Suffering.

The more I grow distant from the affairs of this world and tune my heart with the desires of heaven the more unbearable it seems to live on this earth and be confined to this earthly body with it's abundance of limitations and sinful attributes. The more I focus on the goodness of God and am overwhelmed by His holiness, the more frustrated I am by the fickleness of my own heart and the imperfections of others who's sin hurts me more deeply. This discontent is holy. But sometimes in this participation in His sufferings I neglect to drink deeply of the cup of The Lord and instead of drawing on His strength in the midst of my weakness, I drink from the cup they offered Him on the cross to numb His pain. And so reckon myself numb to His peace and comfort.

to know your name

Knowing You is the great adventure.
 

It's a treasure that we have to seek to find within ourselves,
through the glimpses of you in our interactions with others
and our experiences directly with you.
 

Knocking on the door of all You've made us for is scary,
but the alternative is worse,
disobedience and death even while we suppose to live.

We can't see all that we're stepping into,
and perhaps that's the greatest leap of faith.
 

The leap into all the unknown of ourselves;
the questions, the doubts, the wounds,
the barriers to a deeper experience of ourselves, our neighbors, our world,
 

but most of all, You.

God, don't let us give up the legacy you're creating thru us
for the temporary acceptance afforded us by this age.

Let us press on for the greater reward of knowing you and being found in you.

coffee

 Such a communal cup of brewed delight.

You offer up your fragrance for all to enjoy and pause 

for the familiar routine of meditation,conversation or awakening.

There is obviously an element of fellowship in sharing a cup of coffee, 

but how often do I contemplate the people involved 

in the process of crafting this beverage?

 Someone harvested the beans, roasted them and packaged them for sale. 

They had to be ground up and interact with hot water 

to release their flavor and aroma, 

much the same way is the release of the Spirit in me.

He redeems my wayward thoughts

---

It’s my first morning in this apartment. I am aware of the presence of the Spirit and I let my thoughts wander. I feel a wave of thankfulness rush over me. I have such a homey space to live in for the next year. It’s old and dated, definitely doesn’t smell new, it has an interesting paint job from the previous BSM intern, mismatched furniture, stained carpet, and the ceiling looks like it’s falling down in the bedroom.
But my mind’s on something else. I’m imagining the fellowship that will happen in this space. I think of those who’ll meet here weekly and do life together, our time in worship, the revelations that’ll occur through bible study, and heartfelt prayers uttered praising God and lifting up the needs of brothers and sisters.
I see the entertainment center and think of watching movies and playing games. I know there will be purpose in reaching out and including new people on those fun nights.
In the bedroom, I’m reminded there will be sleepovers and plenty of girl time (aka, emotional outbursts of laughter and tears). I glance toward the kitchen and think of conversations over coffee, potluck dinners and the way sharing a meal or dessert adds an important element to the spirit of community.
I look up and see a blank wall. I get the idea to have visitors write prayer requests or scriptures on colored cards and post them there so I’ll be reminded to pray for them each by name.
This is such a significant moment communing with the Spirit because yesterday my thoughts were focused in an opposite direction. Friends who graduated with me have “real” jobs and they wanted to show me their places. As I walked into beautiful homes decorated with new furniture, fresh paint, and perfectly coordinated décor, I began to felt envious and inferior. They have new cars and are starting their careers. It seems they’re so far ahead of me and I’m stuck. My job this year is basically to continue living as a college student, my salary is a joke and a perk is the meal plan in the cafeteria. Need I say more?

And don’t be wishing you were someplace else, or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status (job, apartment, car, financial situation, etc…), defines your life. 1 Corinthians 7:17, The Message

Perspective. How quickly I forget my calling and surrender to selfish desires and the illusion of the American dream. I get focused on the material and neglect the spiritual. Discontent sinks in and I forget even the root of my issue. The devil loves that and uses my weakness to His full advantage, but God is up to a greater work, He chooses to display His glory through my weakness, limitation, and sin. He redeems my wayward thoughts and transforms my lack of thankfulness into a beautiful story of His blessing, grace and mercy. He reminded me of how thankful I am for this opportunity to be here a 5th year.
Join me in praying for contentment and faithfulness despite the desires of my flesh. Pray that God will bless the ministry I continue to engage in on the campus of ETBU and make His strength apparent through my weakness (2 Corinthians 4:17). Pray that He will break down barriers to discipleship and that our love for Him and one another will be a witness, on this campus and beyond.

Confessions - Part 1

Earlier I sat down and began to write, it became a prayer quickly and talking to the Lord it became obvious what I needed to deal with... After sitting there for a few minutes trying to find words, I honestly wrote, "God, I DON'T TRUST YOU. There's no other way to say it, but I lack the ability to place my life, (my heart, my future, my daily needs, anything really...) into His hands and let Him direct my steps. This is a terrible place to be and I know I can't talk myself out of it, I can't convince myself of what I already know. 

God has done mighty things in my life in the past. He's provided when I didn't think there was a way. He comes through in the big stuff as well as the small, everyday things. He's always there will I call on Him. He will guide my steps if I choose to listen for His voice. 

Yet all those things are not enough. I still choose myself, my sin, my way, my worry, and my pain, rather than releasing it to His sovereign care. But He reminded me I'm not alone and not the first one to fail to trust Him.

God says, "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." I choose to go my own way and worry and frantically try to make things happen that are things He never had for me... I get myself into a mess by not trusting and not listening to Him. I get overwhelmed by the sound of the noise around me. And I miss the treasure of moments where I could rest securely in His arms. "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show his compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30:15, 18

It won't be easier and I can't promise I'll be better next time. What I do know is that I'll only get better by trusting Him fully and practicing obedience. It reminds me of a song...

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,

What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;

Never fear, only trust and obey.